“Hello? How are you? Where are you?Town wapi? Nakumatt gani sasa. Lifestyle? OK, from where you are standing can you see taxis? There’s a Toyota Raum that is silver in colour registration number KBZ. Yes, the one with a ‘For Sale’ sticker on its rear window. And the driver is asleep on the steering wheel. Leave him alone. Do not wake him up. In fact, leave all those taxis parked outside Lifestyle alone.bDo you have the Uber app on your phone? You do? OK. Great. But you won’t be needing that today either. Now I want you to turn to your right and go straight till the point where Monrovia street meets Muindi Mbingu street. On your left you will see Big Knife and the footbridge leading to UoN. Leave that alone. On your right you will see Pizza Inn, Chicken Inn, Creamy Inn further down Steers and Debonairs Pizza. Do you know what day it is today? Yes Tuesday. No, there is no day of the week called terrific Tuesday. Listen to me, pizza has absolutely no nutritional value. Hello… Hellooo, Unaniskia? The chicken they sell there is GMO. Do you know what the ‘O’ in GMO stands for?No, it doesn’t stand for organisms, it stands for obesity! Now walk through Geevanjee Gardens. You will find people huddled in groups discussing politics, others preaching, others listening to those preaching. Do not stop to join them lest fares hike. Walk straight through the park and once you are out, turn to your right and walk down Moi Avenue past couples holding hands past attendants telling you ‘karibu customer’ from inside shops, past hawkers until you get to Nairobi Sports House. Opposite it you will see Cabral Street along which you will see Imenti House. Honey,do you remember the boutique where we saw that dress you really liked but I didn’t have money to buy it for you then? Guess what I don’t have money to buy it for you now either. Now opposite that boutique at Imenti you’ll see Equity Bank. Outside Equity there are buses going to Githurai forty five called Unified Poa… I know I told you that I have an apartment in Kileleshwa but ummmh ehhh you know… Just board the buses. Fare at this time is fifty bob.
When you alight at Githurai, chunga mfuko! Right there at the stage, there are tuk tuks going to Progressive. Board one and tell the driver that you are alighting at PEFA church. Opposite the church you will see a butchery. Behind the butchery there are two plots with blue gates. Ours is the one written ‘Vacant single room’ on the top right side. Open it and enter. You will find a man with a child slinged onto his back bent over washing his wife’s clothes. His name is Baba Jeff. He lives in door number one with his wife who batters him silly every night, poor son of a gun. There are two women gossiping outside door number two. The one with a faded Jubilee party t-shirt is Mama Jeff, Baba Jeff’s wife. The one wearing slippers which do not match and has a stocking wrapped around her head is called Mildred but around here we just call her Millie. Her house is door number two. Door number three is where I live. You will know my house because it is the only one in this entire plot where meat is being cooked. My radio is also the loudest around here. It is new. The door is not locked. Just come in and make yourself comfortable on the bed but the next time you visit, you will find that I have bought a sofa.”