IF I SAW HER AGAIN.

Once in a while life will thrust you into the presence of an amazing person that you may or may not end up being attracted to. For me, I did. Like any life experience the beginning is always thrilling and exciting at the same time. This lady felt like a roller-coaster and a rocking chair at the same time. She made life more palatable. She was amazing no doubt, but somehow things didn’t work out between us and over a text she bowed out.

I have a lot I would love to tell her if I ever saw her again but it doesn’t seem like I will and I’m okay with that. Should I hug her or just stretch my hand? That’s enough dilemma for me so it’s cool I get to do this this way.

If is saw you again, you should hear this;

PRIDE LOOKS UGLY ON ANY ONE.

You were a 10, at least to me you were and I loved the fact that you knew it. I love me a woman who knows what she has or has not and that was such a sexy thing on you. You knew how much I enjoyed picking your brain on the vast things that you were interested in and that would keep us going for hours. You girl, were all I could ever ask for from the man upstairs and I lived my life grateful to Him always. My devotion to you got into your head. Your cup of pride began to run over and I guess you confused confidence and arrogance or maybe not. I worshipped at your altar of love and my esteem was your sacrifice that you fed on. Pride became the response you answered me with in exchange of my love. The beauty I once adored started becoming an ugliness that perplexed. Even though you are still as hot as ever, your kind of warmth is not something I want ever again. Pride looks ugly on any one and you are no exception.

I AM HAPPY NOW

Not that you care or should even care but maybe it’s one of those irrelevant details that you need to know. At the time, I never saw my life past you. You had defined happiness to me so much so that I didn’t know how to be happy again without you. What I thought was love kept me gravitated in your orbit that being away felt like floating is space. But now it’s different. I am happy now. I am back to enjoying life and its pleasures without you or our past coming to mind. I am back to enjoying sunsets and wine without thinking how it would be fun if you were with me. I am back to reading poetry and listening to music without thinking what your opinion would be or what part would jazz you the most. Even on days that I have nowhere to be in and I roll over in my bed, I never think how elated your scent would make me. I enjoyed what we had while it lasted, but now I am back to enjoying my present without memories of our past. It might seem pretty obvious to you but you can’t and won’t comprehend how much fighting I had to do to get here.

I FORGAVE MYSLEF.

I forgave myself for a lot of things. For thinking that only you would make me happy. For the demand, I placed on you without considering how much of a human you were. I looked at myself in the mirror and realized just how much responsible I was for where I was and forgave myself. I realized even though I needed to let you go, I had so much of me in you that I needed back and only forgiveness would give me that. In forgiving myself I realized that I forgave you. For not seeing me worthy of at least a face to face conversation, for all the times you let your pride come in between us and for all the actions and words that were implied but never said. I have no bad blood between us, we are all humans and we are limited by the information that we act upon.
I still have a lot to say but maybe at this point your phone would be ringing or that message that you need to reply to might have your attention or just maybe you would be rolling your eyes. I loved how you rolled your eyes just in case I never told you. I loved so many things about you that I don’t remember telling you but that ship sailed even if I saw you again.